Third Week
It's the third week after the breakup of a one-year relationship. I'm trying to take care of my space, trying not to obsess over it. It was our second attempt, after a year apart.
I feel like I built the trap I fell into, spending years idealizing someone who simply lacked the emotional capacity to commit even half as much as I did. My stomach hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about how for an entire year I was the only one who could say sorry first.
I know I need to work on my self-worth, on not being a magnet for this kind of person. A wave hits me whenever something about her appears on social media, which I'm trying hard to avoid. Anger, sadness, stress—all in one breath.
Her obsession with independence1 makes me angry. The toxicity it brings out in me makes me sad. I'm stressed thinking about what she might tell people about me—we share the same circle.
I feel like the mourning is ending. I have no idea what to do with the long, lonely days on campus, a hundred kilometers from home. I know I need human contact now, but at the same time it feels like the breakup made me disgusted with humanity itself.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
1 Independence: Often weaponized as emotional unavailability dressed in self-actualization language. The person who "needs space" indefinitely, who frames commitment as compromise of selfhood. A protective ideology that keeps intimacy at arm's length.